I am distraught today over an email I received from a member of my support group. Here is where my writing about this gets sticky. How much can I share and still honor her privacy?
I guess I can just say that she is someone I reached out to individually because she was interested in getting involved in something I am doing and reaping great health benefits from, and now the whole thing has blown up in my face. I am just stunned at how my support and good intentions are now being twisted into such ugliness. It goes back to The Law of Detatchment and the lesson I learned there – “Today I will commit myself to detachment. I will allow myself and those around me the freedom to be as they are. I will not ridgidly impose my idea of how things should be. I will not force solutions on problems, thereby creating new problems. I will participate in everything with detached involvement.”
Basically what it all boils down to is I tried to help someone before she was ready to face or accept any changes that would be required of her to take control of her health. She is not ready, and I am perfectly okay with that. I did not and do not judge her, I just let her know that the opportunity is still available to her and that I would gladly go with her (and I am just talking about going to a holistic chiropractor, nothing too scary) to help alleviate her anxiety.
Now I am being accused of not showing her understanding or compassion and of pushing her away. Really the email blind-sided me and blew me away! And this was my favorite line – “Just remember I and many others have FMS and cannot predict how we will feel on certain days.” Okay, really, because I was not aware of that! Seriously, I guess I am a little mad. Now I am pondering how to respond to her, realizing full well that she possibly could read this post before I reply to her email. I am mad and offended. I did miss a call from her one day, and because I did I gave her my private cell number for her to reach me and even that offended her. I am starting to think I just cannot win with her.
But then what does that mean for her future with the support group? She has really enjoyed and benefited from each meeting she has attended and I would hate for her to lose that over a misunderstanding, but I am at a loss of how to salvage this relationship. The last email I sent her was so positive and encouraging and yet she still thinks I am pushing her away. I get the feeling she is projecting a lot of personal stuff onto me, and I am not sure I can reason with her. I am not sure I have the energy to reason with her, because remember, I have Fibromyalgia “and cannot predict how I will feel on certain days.”
I have had members join and leave the group because it was not a good fit for them, and I am fine with that. I have never had issues with a participating member though, so I am at a loss. I know I cannot be all things to all people and still honor my own health, but my every intention toward her was pure, and my head is spinning over her reaction. What to do? What to do? At this point, I really have no idea what I am going to do.
I just read your blog Sis. I must say I am so sorry this happened. I know you are upset and torn. I understand and I am here for you. One thing I have learned in life there are some people you can never please and you can’t help someone who is not willing to help themself.
I am sure some people would say I am your Sister so of course I will stand up for you. Well you know what? They are right! If anybody “gets it” that would be you! If anyone trys harder than others to make a diference it would be you. I have sat back and watched you create your blog and be the leader for the FM support group you CARED enough to start. You are such a strong caring person that I think others forget that YES you too might be having a rough day!! That you also have FM.
You have been there to educate, reach out and make a difference. Not that you don’t care but you cannot hold everyone’s hand all the time. They need to be strong enough to stand on their own. If this one person cannot care enough about YOU then I feel it is time for her to move on. You have done nothing except be this incrediable role model/example to others. You my dear Sis have done nothing wrong and you deserve to be surrounded by people who appreciate all that you do. In this world we have a chioce to be a victim or a survivor. We both know that you are a survivor. You were handed some lemons now go make lemonaide (and share it with me). I AM PROUD OF YOU AND I LOVE YOU!!!
You made an attempt to help, and she didn’t want / need your help at that time.
Don’t let it stop you from attempting to help others. You appear to be a truly caring person with good intentions, a quality you should be proud of.
What to do? Don’t worry about it so much. You didn’t do anything wrong. Just keep doing good things for people.
I enjoy reading your blog.
Dr. Boydston
A Wholistic Chiropractor
I sent you a message and I know you will read it but in the meantime, I agree with your Sis and the Doc. You are a GREAT, caring , selfless person. Sometimes, these things happen and it’s not about you. I think it’s misdirected. I am always here for you. You are wonderful and don’t let this get you down. Not worth your health my dear. You know that too. You keep being the wonderful person you are. Your sis is soo right and I am behind her 101%. You do ,GET IT! You copy these messages and glue them to your shirt and read them like a mantra ! Don’t ever beat yourself up! You DO NOT deserve that! Now, go have a great day!
Thank you Dr. Boydston for taking the time to leave a comment. Very generous of you, especially since I just looked you up on twitter and see you just brought your wife and newborn baby home from the hospital. Congratulations! I am following you now and look forward to reading your updates.
I appreciate your comment and am taking it to heart. My best to you and your family!
I just wanted to contribute one objective, and hopefully obvious, point. People take things much too personally, especially with text relationships. Breathe. Let go. Move on. Don’t try to control other people. Expectations ruin relationships.
‘when the student is ready, the master will appear.’ since you have put the law of detachment into your life, you have opened up to growth. now life will present you opportunities to use what you have learned. do not be surprised if you are in class for the length of a semester, but may you be blessed with only a weekend seminar.
I am sorry that this has happened to you. I think that I have behaved like your friend to my family at times. I am sure that it has been hurtful to them. I know the situation that I was in at the time… trying to push everyone away because I felt that my friends and family were wasting their efforts and that I was going to ‘drag them down’ with me.
It’s a very lonely place to be.
I eventually came round, and luckily for my my people were very forgiving and carried on being supportive.
Maybe this is what has happened with your friend.
Stu
Did I really misspell my own name? It’s Benia, not Beniz. Damn FibroFog…
**fibrohugs** for fibrohaven. This reminds me so much of a friend I had who suffers from BPD – borderline personality disorder. She just managed to take any possible thing personally even though all I ever did was care about her. One day she completely flipped out on my and verbally abused me. It was one of the most frightening things I’ve ever experienced. Unfortunately there are a lot of people out there who do that kind of thing, and it hurts us. Try to remember that this is not about you, or anything you did. It’s about her and yes, what she is projecting on you. Your intentions were good, and that is what matters. If you have to deal with her in the future, just keep telling her that. That you did not mean to offend her, that your intentions were only to help. It’s up to her to decide whether she wants to believe it or not. Unfortunately all we can control is ourselves, no matter how hard we try to manage other people’s impressions. It’s so frustrating…You have every right to be angry. Some people you just can’t reason with. I feel so sorry that this happened to you, because I know what it is like to be blind-sided like that, oh boy, do I ever! You have my compassion, my ear, my understanding. Much Love.
Well Sis, I know you tried to be the bigger person and you were still being so kind. I am proud of how you handle this. In the end the right choice was made. It is time for you to try and let this go and move forward in the positive manner I know you will. You have the kindest heart of anyone I know. You can rest on your pillow knowing this. I LOVE YOU hang in there…………….