Today should be day 24 of my 30 days of meditation. Instead it is the day I recommit myself to my personal goal of daily meditation.
I do not consider it a failure that I meditated for the first week of May, and then let myself get away from it. Instead I think of it as a learning opportunity – a chance to examine my goals and purpose further, and to ask myself some thoughtful questions.
Why did I stop?
The easy answer is – I stopped because I went on a family trip, and with all the travel and socializing it was difficult to find the time. And when I returned home I had a lot of work to catch up on, and support group functions to prepare for. I was busy! I had to prioritize – right?
Yes, these are the excuses I gave myself for why I got away from my meditation practice, but upon reflection they are not very good reasons. Isn’t life’s “busyness” the very thing meditation can help me manage? It is certainly one of the things I am hoping it will help me to manage, so I took a deeper look into my motivation.
Why do I want to continue?
Why is this important to me?
These questions were easier for me to answer, because despite my lack of follow-through, my motivations have not changed: I want to be well. I want to be whole. I want the peace and clarity of mind that comes with the silence. I want the daily charge and reinforcement I feel each time I meditate. I want to be centered and grounded. I want to feel alive and open to the world around me. I want the restoration of body that comes with the soundness of mind.
In her book, Beginner’s Guide to Buddhist Meditation, Christina Feldman states, “Meditation requires patience, openness, and acceptance. Each moment in our life asks for our willingness to greet it as a teacher.”
Patience, openness, and acceptance. I wish all three for my life. Meditation is a path to the life I am desiring. This is why I wish to continue. This is why meditation is important to me.
So with patience and kindness to myself, I begin again. And if I fail, I will begin again. There are no rules, or pressure, or standards. There is only my desire, and my never-ending ability to grow and learn.
I really want to agree with you – and when it comes to the meditation I do. Heck, that’s part of the whole meditation process I think. Even while you are doing it, your mind may drift off to your to-do list etc., just refocus back on the meditation when you realize that. So skipping the meditation is just a bigger picture version of that. Something I recently went through myself.
My problem with the whole failure = opportunity equation is what about those times when I’m doing everything “right” and it still fails. I’m meditating. I’m stretching. I’m eating healthy, taking my meds, not overdoing it, getting lots of sleep etc. Feeling pretty good.
Yet, inevitably comes the day I wake up and can barely move without every part of my body screaming in pain. Plus, I’m so exhausted that something as simple and basic as taking a shower is out of the question. Then I spiral into that agony of wondering “what did I do wrong!” As the days drag on I wonder why I should bother doing all the right things when ultimately it doesn’t seem to matter. If I ate that sugar every day or drank that wine or didn’t meditate and didn’t exercise would I really feel that much worse?
I’m in my 5th year of this and every time I feel like I’ve moved a step forward, the ground falls out from under me and I’m back where I started. I’ve accepted that there is a “new normal” and I’ll probably never have my old life back completely. I’ve adapted. I have great support and great doctors. But is it really too much to ask to not have those days that arrive without warning when I can’t even read because my hands and arms hurt to much to hold or turn the page. I can’t watch any but the fluffiest movies because my brain is too foggy to follow a complex plot. I can’t use the computer because it makes the migraine worse. You get the idea.
What is the opportunity gained by this failure? The opportunity to not kill myself? The opportunity to never again buy tickets in advance to anything? The opportunity to never plan a trip because I may waste the whole thing laying in a darkened hotel room unable to move?
And yes, I’ve read all the feel-good stuff about this illness (or cancer etc.) being an opportunity to slow down, really focus on what’s important in life, stop being a type A person and concentrate on yourself etc. But you know what, I’d already done all that before I got sick. I had a relaxing, comfortable life with people I loved, doing work that I loved, enjoying things I was passionate about and generally being a nice, good, kind hearted person. So no opportunity for personal growth here.
Sorry to ramble on so much. Obviously you hit a sore spot with me. I’m re-reading the end of your post, and I’m left asking myself what are all these horrible moments supposed to be teaching me? Or worse teaching my ever-patient, ever-supportive, ever-loving, ever-encouraging husband.
Oh Mindy. There is so much depth to your comment I am not sure where to begin. First, I seriously applaud you for putting it all out there. So often with my blog I have people tell me what I write really speaks to them. But now I get the opportunity to tell you – what you wrote really speaks to me.
I am on year 14 of this do-all-the-right-things-only-to-be-grounded-again-and-again-by-flares journey. I totally get every point you made.
First I want to say, sometimes it does come down to “what did I do wrong.” Sometimes our actions are directly responsible for a flare, but then I think you already know this. But when it comes to the times when we do everything within our powers, and we still flare – we still FAIL at being healthy – do not agonize over what you did wrong. None of us know exactly the mechanisms in our body that fail us and cause us to suffer so inexplicably at times. You are not to blame, and in my mind these times are not a personal failure. A setback, most definitely. A source of frustration and anger, yes – but a personal failure – not by my definition.
My lack of follow-through was a personal failure, one that I felt I needed to examine more closely. I failed because it is something I truly want, and it is in my power to attain, and yet it did not happen. I truly want to be completely healed too, but it is not within my power to understand the neurological failure in my body, so when I know I have done the best for myself, and I still suffer, I try acceptance rather than blame. Sometimes I fail at this too! This is why everything that you wrote felt oh so familiar to me.
So I guess it really comes down to your interpretation of failure. I do believe that every failure is an opportunity. It appears I failed at being clear in my post, but my failure led to you writing a thoughtful and sincere post, which encouraged me to reconsider what I wrote. So there is my lesson. Language matters. What I write can be interpreted in many ways, and we all read through a personal filter of our own experiences. I should consider this when I write.
As for all the excellent and worthy questions you asked – if only I had the answer! That is basically what this blog is for me. My journey to find the answers for myself. I share in the hopes that something I write may encourage or inspire someone else. I also really enjoy when someone like yourself causes me to think. I wish I had something insightful and encouraging to say. I can only say that judging you solely by your comment, you are closer to healing than so many others I encounter. You are thoughtful, self-analyzing, and self-aware. These are powerful attributes to have. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Just be kind to yourself and continue to do your best. What more can we ask of ourselves?
Thanks for the kind reply. I am so glad you didn’t feel I was attacking you or your point-of-view. I know it probably didn’t sound like it, but I subscribe to your blog and twitter feeds because usually I like your positive attitude.
I realized after I posted that Memorial Day is the 6th anniversary of my first really bad flare – 18 months before I actually was diagnosed – and I was stressing today over whether I was going to be able to handle some must-do appointments this week, then a Memorial Day gathering with close friends, followed a couple days later by a birthday dinner for my best friend. Apparently I was even more frustrated than I thought. Sometimes it sneaks up despite the meditation.
As for the length of the post: I’ve been wondering lately if I should start blogging or at least journaling. As a former professional journalist who had to give it up, it’s both appealing and painful for me. Plus, I never liked writing about myself in my previous life. But maybe this was the universe trying to tell me that it would be helpful.
And maybe the lesson I still need to learn is to not feel like I failed when things flare up. My husband says I apologize too much and I’ve been trying to let that go. There are some complicated childhood issues involved, but I’ve always been good at being responsible for myself, doing the “right” thing etc. so not being in control of what I can and can’t do is the ultimate frustration. I think deep down – sometimes not so deep – I believe that if I just exert enough self-control or discipline, I can fix this. That’s always worked before.
Another lesson perhaps – stop believing in a magic formula that will make everything alright if I just follow it correctly.
Again, thanks for your kindness and thoughtfulness. I’ll feel lucky if in another 8 years I’ve “grown up” to be as patient, open and accepting as you.
Mindy I was thinking while reading your first comment, “She really should start her own blog!” Writing is emotionally and mentally painful for me too, but the personal progress I have made since starting this blog is amazing. I hope you do decide to start one. And if you do, please be sure to share it with me.
I have enjoyed our exchange, and I wish you continued growth. Thanks for all your kind words.
Great post on being gentle with yourself. I instruct an online meditation course and straying is par for the course, so to speak! It’s not easy to establish a regular meditation practice because we’ve had a lifetime of allowing our mind to be distracted. It’s a strong habit. The gentle approach is the best way to break the habit. Just getting back in the saddle again is the way to go. I bow to your clarity. Meditation is so nourishing and that itself encourages us to continue.
Mindy, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and it literally took me YEARS to recognize that I was reacting to environmental chemicals. Yes, the pain was triggered by environmental chemicals (and foods). I always wonder how many people’s flares may be triggered by environmental chemicals, which are ubiquitous and they may never know. It may be something to consider.
I’ve recently started the Amygdala Retraining Program for chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia, which I find absolutely brilliant. It may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it is proving very valuable for me and I’ve written about it on my blog.
Best wishes to both of you.
Sandra Lee I would be very interested to learn more about your online meditation course. Is there information for it on your site?
Great point about the chemical sensitivities. It is a real and growing issue. I myself am just beginning to understand the connection. This road to wellness is a long journey, with many offshoots and hazards.
I appreciate the work you are doing at Always Well Within – inspiring healthy and authentic living. You encourage me!
Dannette, thanks for your kind words about my blog. I enjoy writing and sharing what I learn on this tricky but often illuminating path of illness.
The online meditation course I instruct is called Finding Peace and it is based on The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. It is offered through the Rigpa Distance Learning Program, which you can find at rigpaus.net/ I believe the next round of courses will start in September (not sure about the summer).
There are many different approaches to meditation and there are a number of online courses offered these days. Here are two other possible options for you.
http://www.shambhalaonline.org/
goodlifezen.com (virtual retreats)
You can probably find others too through a search.
Thanks for your great work here at Fibro Haven, I really love the direction you are going.
The only time we fail is when we decide to quit. You’ve heard it a thousand times…recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. Good for you for staying dedicated. Self-motivation is the first step to any treatment.
Dr. G
Thank you Dr. G, I appreciate your comment. Recovery certainly is a marathon, and it helps to have support and encouragement along the way. It keeps me motivated!
Fibro Haven, I had you a big long comment about how fabulous this information is for so many people here, but I hit the wrong button & it went away. Darn! Let me simply say that I love what you write, gal. Your information hits so many people exactly where they live and helps them think about how to get healthier. I’m following your blog now & linking to it at http://www.healthmattersshow.com. It would be neat if you would do the same. 🙂
Many warm wishes for your good health,
Cinda Crawford, host of the show & former Fibro CFS sufferer for 15 years!
PS- I noticed that you welcomed one commenter’s response on a program she had to offer. Here’s something aimed at helping Fibromyalgia folks. I just finished this membership course & it’s ready to go at- http://www.getwellhealth.com/learn
Thanks Cinda, I appreciate your kind words and look forward to exploring your new membership course. I imagine a lot of work went into getting it ready! You are a prolific and positive voice in the wellness community, and I appreciate all that you do! My Best ~ Dannette