Last February I had the opportunity to hear a keynote address from motivational speaker and life coach Mike Robbins. Mike is a regular contributor to Oprah Magazine and Huffington Post, and has written two bestselling books, Focus on the Good Stuff, and Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken. His presentation was authentic and motivating, and pretty much everyone in the room left with copies of his books and a warm feeling in their heart.
You know how it is in those moments when you get completely inspired – everything is brighter in that instant and you know your life is forever going to be changed for the good. Then you get home, and you set the books down. Life picks up exactly where it left off and you forget. You forget how inspired you were. You forget how to change, how to be better. Heck – you even forget to read the books. Yep, that is exactly what happened.
So I haven’t read his books yet, but I do get his monthly newsletter, and the title of this month’s article really spoke to me: Vulnerable Leadership.
That is exactly how I am feeling these days as the founder and leader of FibroHaven – vulnerable.
You see, my purpose is to share and encourage. I want to be a positive voice and a leader in living well with Fibromyalgia. But how can I do that when I have been feeling miserable since May? Since 1996 really! It is something I struggle with everyday. And it is the reason I am feeling vulnerable today.
I choose not to share the miserable stuff here. You know all too well about it. I would not be explaining or describing something you have not experienced many times yourself. But how do I balance the vulnerable me – the me that lives daily with the ever present and fluctuating symptoms of fibromyalgia – with the hopeful me – the one who embraces life as much as possible despite my constant fibromyalgia companion.
I don’t know. I do not have the answer. But in his article, Mike shared five key principles of vulnerable leadership, and that is where I am going to start.
1) Admit and own your mistakes
My mistakes are many! Daily even. Do you know I have been planning a relaunch of FibroHaven for months? It is still going to happen, and it is going to be really exciting when it does (great new features I know you are going to love), but as the creator, leader, and main cog of FibroHaven, I have dropped many balls.
Sure my health is partially to blame, but so is my procrastination, and my lack of follow through, and my frustrating tendency to sit back sometimes and let life come to me. It doesn’t, and it won’t. It is on me to make this happen. I chose FibroHaven. Nobody asked me to do this, but now that there is this wonderful community connected because of it, I need to follow through better – and I will.
2) Share your fear and insecurity
My fears are many too. Putting myself in the position to be a voice of positivity and change, I fear letting you all down by not changing quickly enough myself. I believe in a holistic approach to wellness, and I have been perusing that approach for a better part of a year, but I am nowhere near well. I fear this makes me a hypocrite and a fraud.
The thing that brings me back to share my philosophy is that I believe in my heart that I will get better. I will improve. I am on a wellness journey, not a crash course. And my hope is that by sharing it here with all of you, something I say may trigger a change in you. Something I experience may inspire you.
I have two purposes on this journey – get well, and encourage you to take your own wellness journey. But there are moments when I feel like “Who the hell am I to encourage someone else when I have so little to offer myself today.” I like it when those moments pass. And fortunately they always do.
3) Don’t take yourself too seriously
This one is pretty easy for me. My sense of humor is my lifeline, my core, my compass. Laughter really is the best medicine, and I am usually the first to laugh at myself. I can share funny and embarrassing things about myself here (and I have) because it is real, and that is life.
Remind me to tell you about the day I ended up ankle deep in wet cement because I thought the construction guys were coming on to me – not yelling to warn me about the wet sidewalk they had just laid. That ended well.
4) Share your own process, journey, and challenges
That is exactly what this blog is – my shared journey. Good to know I am doing this right!
5) Ask for and receive help from others
Oh this is a tough one for me. Now I will be the first to advise you to do this for yourself, but to put it in practice in my own life – that is so hard for me. Again, refer back to my often feeling like a hypocrite. It is for reasons like this.
Do as I say not as I do, right? Wrong! I really need to work on this for myself. There are so many areas where I could use help just with FibroHaven. Who knows, maybe if I were not so stubborn and short-sighted I could have launched the new site by now. I don’t know. All I know for sure is that I am flawed. I have a lot of work to do on myself. And sometimes this makes me reluctant to get on here and advise and encourage you.
But please know this, that everything I share on here, I share because I care. I know how dark this chronically ill life can seem at times. I know how isolating it can be. My hope is to shine a tiny little light, and maybe start a conversation or two.
One of my greatest moments came the other day when two people I met through FibroHaven became friends because of FibroHaven. One lives in California, the other in Virginia. Their paths may have never crossed were it not for FibroHaven. That is it. That is what it is all about for me. And that is what keeps me going on the days when I feel like no one should look to me for advice and support.
There is a reason for all of this. Maybe I am meant to fail and flounder. Maybe that makes me more real. I don’t know. But I do know that I love this community. It gives me courage and reinforces my hope.
And there it is. My vulnerable side…
Dannette — I know you already know this, but you’re not alone! Your vulnerable side is just like everyone else’s. But do you know what’s different about you? Others see what needs to be done, and you DO IT!
It’s on your own timetable and that’s just life. Things’ll get done when they’re supposed to. You’ve accomplished so much already and that’s what counts. Your drive, ambition, and passion shows in all that you do. I was just bragging on your support group to someone in Liverpool this morning. Your ears must have burned. Know that your positive vibes reach all over the world. Isn’t that amazing?
FibroHaven is FibroHeaven for many. Never forget that!
Healthy Hugs,
Sue
Thank you Sue! You have been such a wonderful supporter and cheerleader for FibroHaven. Your encouragement means a lot. I look to your journey shared in your great book FibroWHYalgia as a reason for the hope I continue to feel. You did it, and I know I can too. Not only did you do it, but you encourage people every day with your example. Thanks for sharing your hope and your journey. I look forward to the day I am as far along my path as you are yours!
If it weren’t for people like you and FibroHaven, I would possibly not be here! Its the knowing that others share my pain and know what Fibro feels like, that has helped me to want to keep on keeping on!
I too procrastinate but don’t beat yourself up for it! What you have accomplished is great and in time will be what you want and need it to be~
You are human and thats inspiring!
Wow Eileen. Your comment is very powerful! You are proof of how important community is. And really, it is someone like you, taking the time to leave a comment, that inspires me to keep on. Your words will stay with me for a long time. My best to you!
I get to see this vulnerable side of you more than anyone. And it always just strengthens my belief in you. I know this post took a lot out of you — writing about your fear of being a “fraud” as you put it. You are anything but! You have helped SO many people (including me everyday), we probably have no idea. You don’t have to be some perfect being to be an authentic leader and to share you hope and spirit for good.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it more…I’m so proud of you. But man, I wish I had video of your face while slogging through that wet cement!
Thanks Babe for keeping it real! What would I do without you to laugh with me – and at me? You are a constant source of joy in my life. And there would be no FibroHaven without you. You give me the strength and security to do all that I do. I give you no credit for getting me out of the wet cement though. That was all me!
Great post, Danette. I especially related to the part about asking for help. I had a hard time with that with my support group also. So much so that we’re no longer meeting regularly because I couldn’t do it all myself. I feel like I wasn’t able to inspire others to commit to helping me, that maybe if I knew how to ask in the right way I might have been able to get more help.
I’m taking this post to heart, and will also read Mr. Robbins’ newsletter on Vulnerable Leadership. Thank you for all you do, and for opening yourself up like this in spite of the discomfort it caused you.
Sherril you should read an old post I wrote about feeling like I wasn’t able to inspire my support group. It was more about participating than helping me, but I think you will see the relevance. The Law of Detachment.
I understand the commitment and sacrifice that goes into organizing a support group. And it is so demanding for one chronically ill person to take it on, especially without help. I am not sure how you organized your group, but I could not do it without Meetup.com. It is the only way I am able to keep organized and in touch with everyone. I recently went through a three month period where I did not schedule a meeting, but I was able to keep in touch and connected with everyone because of our Meetup site.
I am not sure what your future plans are for your group, but if you ever want someone to commiserate with, I would be happy to. Thanks for your kind and generous words. It is easier to be vulnerable with someone who gets it.
This is a terrific post, Danette. Thank you for sharing your vulnerable side. I too blog to try to encourage others and share the knowledge I’ve gained through illness and all the regular bumps of life. Like you, I can’t help but ask at times if I am really walking the talk. The truth is that life is a healing journey whatever your health status, good or bad, with many ups and downs. No one is perfect, there are many ups and downs, but we can all learn together and enjoy the journey the best we can. The healing process takes time, but you don’t have to be “finished” to share and benefit others. In fact, maybe there is no “finish.” All the best to you and thank you for creating this fantastic community.
You are so right Sandra Lee! If I keep waiting to be finished, I am missing out on the lessons to be learned from where I am in this moment. Maybe there is no “finish.” Wow, that is powerful to ponder. I am going to have to spend sometime with that one.
At times I get so frustrated with the “one step forward, two steps back” cycle of chronic illness. I know we all do. But it is a process. I really appreciate your insight on this, and hope to carry it with me in my times of doubt and frustration. I don’t want to put it down like I did the books of Mike Robbins and forget about it. Thanks for continuing to inspire me with your words. You are a blessing!
Dannette,
Sherril had sent me the link to this site, as I had never visited before. I must say the timing was perfect. As I was reading your post, it was as if you had read my mind and wrote down all my thoughts. I am the queen of procrastination…always have been. I do my best work under pressure for time. However, with Fibro, you can not do this. I make all these plans for a meeting, tell everyone about them, and then I drop the ball until a few days before the meeting. Then I am stressed, running around trying to get it all together. SLOWLY, I am getting better about this. Promising less and stretching out what I am suppose to do….however, the summer months have been challenging. I have so much at home I want and need to do, that the group stuff is getting pushed aside again. I don’t beat myself up about it, since I know attendance in the summer is always down a bit.
Your post is wonderful! It has hit right in my heart. I am a Reiki and EFT practitioner for FM patients and I show them all the time how to “Deal” with things, but have trouble practicing it on a regular basis myself. I benefit so much from it when I deal with others, and then I go a long spell when I am not giving treatments and I start feeling physically terrible. It takes a while before I realize that I should be practicing on myself!
Please believe me when I say, you help others! You have helped me tremendously with just one post! Thank you, thank you, thank you! You are truly blessed!
Teresa I appreciate your comment so much! I did not think I was alone in experiencing vulnerabilities as a leader. It was so important for me to share how I was feeling, and even more so now that I am hearing back from people, like yourself, who are not afraid to share their vulnerabilities. I read you comment nodding and sighing as I can relate to everything you wrote!
The fact that you are a Reiki and EFT practitioner lets me know that you are truly a caring and nurturing soul. I am sure you absorb a lot of what you help your patients deal with. Isn’t it amazing that we can counsel and guide others to be kind to themselves, but sometimes forget to be kind to ourselves?
I would love to know more about your group. Where are you located? I think we should start a support group for support group leaders!