There are times in this journey of mine that I am simply tired and depleted, and I have brief moments of defeat when I think – “What is this all about? Why do I bother? Who am I kidding?”
Sometimes they happen when, after several days of feeling good, I wake up in the kind of pain that is impossible to reason. Or they happen when I reflect on how long I have been sick, and how long it is going to take me to heal. Sometimes they happen for no specific reason at all. I just get tired of the work, tired of the journey, and I just want to stop.
But I don’t stop – for too long anyway. And the thing that propels me forward and makes me keep showing up is this – the moments.
There are moments in our lives, moments that when they happen make us say: “Ah-ha, this is it! This is what it is all about.” Sometimes they happen when I am on my yoga mat and all the pieces come together and I feel nothing but joy. Or they happen at a support group function when I see a member’s face transform from agony to acceptance over the course of the evening. They can happen in a phone call, or from an email, or an exchange on facebook. They happen all the time. We just have to be aware and present to receive them.
Yesterday I scheduled a last minute group meditation at the Chopra Center. It is something we do together once a month, but I missed the one earlier this month, so I scheduled an extra one just for me. As I was heading out the door, for a moment, I had the urge not to go. It had been a long day – 2 1/2 hours of yoga teacher training followed by 90 minutes of gentle yoga at the YMCA. I was tired, and could easily have stayed home, especially since no other members had signed up to go. But I showed up – for me – because meditation nourishes me, and I was pleased to be joined by another member at the last minute.
Group meditation can be powerful, taking you much deeper into your practice, but it can also create unique challenges. A few minutes after we were seated in meditation, a late-comer burst in the door, literally crashed into the chairs, and then took about 3 minutes to get settled. THEN the very loud band started playing at the nearby restaurant (end of summer festivities). AND THEN the very loud late-comer began snoring and snorting! At one point I had to focus very hard to keep from laughing out loud at the absurdity of it all!
It is the most distracted I have ever been during a meditation, and yet I still felt restored by it. Walking back to my car I realized I was not nearly as fatigued as when I arrived. I am certain I was not in deep meditation for too long because of all the distractions, but however much I did was enough. I am so glad I showed up. If I had stayed home I would have been feeding my fatigue rather than nourishing myself. And it was great spending some one on one time with a member who need some guidance.
So all in all, there were several moments last night to keep me going – and keep me laughing. I cherish those moments, and that is why I keep showing up – because you just never know when one will appear.
Just found your blog…so glad I did. “Why I Keep Showing Up” was so spot on. With Fibro, many times I’m just too tired to keep going, but when I do push on, sure enough…something insightful happens. Thank you for the inspiration.
So glad you found it too Marie! I love insightful moments, and a lot of times they come for me when a new person comments on a post I wrote – like you. There is nothing more inspirational than connecting with others who understand and relate to my ramblings! Keep going Marie! My best to you.
There is no way I could have kept my composure with the snorer. Pretty sure I would have busted up. But honestly, isn’t meditation kinda like pizza, still good even when it’s “cold”? The benefits can be really subtle for me, but they are there.
Thank you for the laugh!
And now I am craving cold pizza!!! Darn you gluten-free diet.
Seriously Kathy, it was comical. To make it worse I began picturing the classic scene when Mary Tyler Moore cracks up at the funeral. I don’t know how I kept from laughing! Comical, but still beneficial.
And that is not even the whole story of the evening. When I got to the parking lot I ran into Sarito Sun, the beautiful laughter meditation teacher. As we were standing there talking I flipped my cup of water in the air and it went all over her! Thank goodness she embraces laughter. Can you imagine if I had gotten the hot tea like I normally do!
Dannette you are an inspiration to all of us!! I would love to go to the group meditation but I don’t get off of work in time. I am glad that you do keep showing up though!! ♥
Thanks Kimmi! You show up when you can, and I appreciate that. That is all I want for you and the other members in our group. I will keep scheduling events and showing up, because you motivate me to!
Very, very good point! How right you are… those are the moments that keep us going. The moments. I like that!
Working in a mine for 15 years and 4 years ago I had a tear in the lower back from a bad move, they took me to the doctor and he prescribed Vicodin for chronic pain he felt at that moment, after some tests and a prudent time, I said it was a severe back injury and had to undergo treatment that would last a few months and that to counter the pain he felt took Vicodin, a drug that was effective against chronic pain, after go home and have nothing to do (I was given complete rest for 10 days) and looked out of curiosity enter components findrxonline vicodin and gave me the surprise was a very powerful opioid narcotic that had consequences if not took the right way, I pointed to the doctor and he said that this medicine is widely used for their effectiveness and not to worry about the consequences, and should take only one dose daily, and that its use if it was ok no problem That left me more relaxed and now I can not live without this medication since the injury still persists and the doctor told me that it has become a chronic fibromyalgia, but the help of this medicine can cope in daily life and Apparently so, since I work normally, although the pain is unbearable sometimes take my medicine correctly.